Wait! Wait! Waiiiiiit! Hold on! Did you think this blog series was only about being “Divorced, Dateless, and Over 40?” Oh…no…it’s not quite that simple but let’s continue on. So, I’m looking in the mirror one day and thought to myself, “You mean to tell me I’m back at square one…AGAIN! Who does that!?” *raises both hands and left foot* I thought I’d already had this life altering moment before and vowed I wouldn’t be back at that place again…or so I thought. When I realized my marriage was coming to a screeching halt, I had neither a safety net nor a plan of action in place (I mean, seriously! I’m married, why would I be considering an Underground Railroad escape?!) I stood there staring fear and faith right in the face! What am I going to do? When I say it was fast I mean faster than an egg hitting the floor, “SPLAT!” Everything was out of order. I literally lost everything and my mind wasn’t far behind. When I say everything…I mean everything and I wondered, “Where is God?” If it wasn’t for the morning text messages I received daily checking up on me I might have just dissolved into a mass of nothingness. Confidant: “How are we today?” Me: “Can I run away today?” Confidant: “I’m praying for you. Don’t you give up! Ruuuuuuun!” Me: “I can’t believe this is happening!” I mean day after day…after day and the day after that.
Then one day…this happened. I rested.
In reflection, I asked myself, “How do I get up and start again?” I had no idea what was waiting for me beyond the horizon. I had to sift through the murky waters of depression, oppression and repression of a sweltering failed marriage accompanied by darts of poisoned words and smoldering coils of anger coming at me like bees on a honeycomb. (Whoa!) When the enemy of your inner thoughts are entangled with retaliation of an angered spirit adorned in flesh you GOT to be (not must be but GOT to be) prepared for battle! I had to go back to basic boot camp and go back through the rules of engagement:
- “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rules of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12 NKJV).
- “Pray without ceasing” (1Thessalonians 5:17).
- “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 (KJV).
Keep in mind praying, fasting, and reading the Bible were eons away from me! Can I just be honest with y’all? But even in the midst of all of that I had to be reminded that the best defense in spiritual warfare, which certainly can permeate and affect you physically if access is gained, is on your knees. As I remember, the old saints would say, “If there ain’t been any rain in your life, wait awhile!” See I don’t say all of this to be deep or super spiritual (Wait! What exactly is super spiritual?? Right! You don’t get it either, huh? Anyway, I digress!)
Rediscovering who I was and who I desired to be took me going back to the drawing board of who I am in Christ! I took a long hard look at the pattern that I had developed and decided I just can’t live like this. How is it that I was coming into agreement with the opposite of the life that Christ said He came for me to have…an abundant life! Let me pump some muscle into this word for you: liberal, generous, bountiful, prolific, overflowing, lavish…Who me…this clump of clay with all these cracks, puncture wounds, and unappealing shell? I was appalled that this was happening to me. (Ha! Girl you are not that special!) Oh, let me tell you that nasty little spirit of self-righteousness will have you thinking that your prayers are dripping with golden honey and you sit on the left hand of the Almighty God Himself! I began to go down my spiritual resume of all the things I felt I knew and that I did well but the other things were covered under, “God forgives my sins”…while He does do that He also loves me enough to bring correction and trust me you will discover a “heap” of things about yourself! I wanted to be angry and I wanted to be pissed off (wait…can I say “pissed off” or does that demote me from “super spiritual”? LOL! Okkkk…ok…) and I wanted to evoke anger and expose this emotional toothache because I figured since I had lost everything why the hell not! My humbled journey left me broke and broken…to the point of living out of my laundry baskets, an oversized duffle bag, and a comfortable couch for quite a long time! HOWEVER, when I tell you God provided a Ram in the bush! I might not have had what I was once used to but I have never, NEVER been without a good night’s sleep even if it was between tears! It was the best move of God that ever happened in my life to date!
So rediscovering me…AGAIN may not have come in the form of finding a new job, (which I did) stumbling upon the love of my life, (which I’m still hopeful for) or anything of the sort (I still believe GOD) but discovered and rediscovered that the beauty of growing does not exempt me from pain. If there isn’t pain then I need to check my growth meter. The decisions I made cost me a lot but nothing in comparison to what I could have lost and that was hope…
Stay tuned as I share the journey and why I’m…dateless. It might get a little bumpy!