This blog may not have the weeded humor that I normally would add but it is one of sensitive yet humble nature to me. It’s not meant to solicit sympathy nor to offend. Wait! Riiiight! This is my story! Just bringing you into my reality. So here goes…I often overhear conversations between mothers that go a little something like this: “I’m glad I had my kids when I was young because no one wants to be an old lady with a baby. I don’t know what’s wrong with these women waiting later to have children. ^insert their laughter^ Not me! I don’t know how they do it. Crazy I tell ya!” I find absolutely nothing funny about this! Not in the least. As I listen, I don’t know whether to defend the motherless or just break down and cry. When I was in my twenties it was praised upon to be so young and no babies. When I was in my thirties I was asked what was I waiting for and that I better go ahead and have one before I become an old lady. So now that I’m in my fabulous forties, I’m crazy for not having a child by now. What gives? Yes, I’ve been married and I suppose that would seem ideal to have one during that time, however; it did not. Now if I have a conversation with mothers and I usually add that the chances of me becoming a mother are becoming slimmer and slimmer…As you continue to read, nowhere have I ever stated that it was impossible! Riddle me this: why is it that the mothers that think the way the women mentioned above think then turn around and encourage me that God is able and I would make a great mother…and let God be God…with God all is possible! THEN turn around and say, “Leave those children where they are!” And then turn around AGAIN and talk about how blessed they are to have their children (somebody should be dizzy by now)! Should I not want to experience that too?! (I’m literally all up in my feelings about this one.) If I sound a little salty it’s because…well, I am! However, I can’t be too up in arms about it because years ago I used to been on the other side of the fence involved in conversations about women/young girls having kids so young. I wanted to add this because we sometimes find ourselves on the opposite side of the streets at one time or another when it’s something that hits close to home. *If you’re honest with yourselves.*
If I may be completely open and naked before you, it’s grievous at times when I consider things like would I have a family of my own one day…will I live long enough to see my son/daughter have a family of their own and see my generation extended? I do consider while everyone is enjoying their empty nest I’ll be just getting started. Then I considered…soooo what! When I’m asked why I haven’t had any children, I respond back by saying, “I’m not married.” You would think I’ve said something foreign or spoke in gibberish or something. Hold on…now before someone jumps on the defense…I get it to a certain degree and again I totally believe people mean well. My story isn’t completely different from the woman that can’t have children (because someone else says it’s impossible) and I understand! It’s not easy…I’m just asking for a little grace be shown towards those that are patiently waiting their turn and the wait seems endless. What if this is a part of God’s will for my life? I trust His plan even when I don’t understand. I don’t have time to reason with what I feel is fair or not…my resolve is He is still sovereign and He chose me for this!
I no longer walk around apologetic and embarrassed about not being a mother. Shame used to grip me like a vice grip because I’ve had to consider thoughts like “Am I barren? What man is going to want to marry me and I can’t give him a child? Am I tainted? No good? Used up?” Yes, all that! Will I be able to put money under the pillow for a lost tooth? Will I kiss boo-boos away because of scraped knees and elbows? Will I sit in the hot sun cheering at little league baseball or football games? Scream at graduations? Cry at their wedding? I don’t know! Wait! Before you go there…yes, I remember how old Abraham and Sarah were before they had their first child. I remember how hard Hannah prayed. Yes, James 4:2 says, “You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask.” Let me not forget, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31).
This is the journey that’s before me and I’ve learned to have and to have not…