Monthly Archives: June 2016

Over 40 & Motherless: “Divorced, Dateless, & Over 40-The Series!”

This blog may not have the weeded humor that I normally would add but it is one of sensitive yet humble nature to me. It’s not meant to solicit sympathy nor to offend. Wait! Riiiight! This is my story! Just bringing you into my reality. So here goes…I often overhear conversations between mothers that go a little something like this: “I’m glad I had my kids when I was young because no one wants to be an old lady with a baby. I don’t know what’s wrong with these women waiting later to have children. ^insert their laughter^ Not me! I don’t know how they do it. Crazy I tell ya!” I find absolutely nothing funny about this! Not in the least. As I listen, I don’t know whether to defend the motherless or just break down and cry. When I was in my twenties it was praised upon to be so young and no babies. When I was in my thirties I was asked what was I waiting for and that I better go ahead and have one before I become an old lady. So now that I’m in my fabulous forties, I’m crazy for not having a child by now. What gives? Yes, I’ve been married and I suppose that would seem ideal to have one during that time, however; it did not. Now if I have a conversation with mothers and I usually add that the chances of me becoming a mother are becoming slimmer and slimmer…As you continue to read, nowhere have I ever stated that it was impossible! Riddle me this: why is it that the mothers that think the way the women mentioned above think then turn around and encourage me that God is able and I would make a great mother…and let God be God…with God all is possible! THEN turn around and say, “Leave those children where they are!” And then turn around AGAIN and talk about how blessed they are to have their children (somebody should be dizzy by now)! Should I not want to experience that too?! (I’m literally all up in my feelings about this one.) If I sound a little salty it’s because…well, I am! However, I can’t be too up in arms about it because years ago I used to been on the other side of the fence involved in conversations about women/young girls having kids so young. I wanted to add this because we sometimes find ourselves on the opposite side of the streets at one time or another when it’s something that hits close to home. *If you’re honest with yourselves.*

If I may be completely open and naked before you, it’s grievous at times when I consider things like would I have a family of my own one day…will I live long enough to see my son/daughter have a family of their own and see my generation extended? I do consider while everyone is enjoying their empty nest I’ll be just getting started. Then I considered…soooo what! When I’m asked why I haven’t had any children, I respond back by saying, “I’m not married.” You would think I’ve said something foreign or spoke in gibberish or something. Hold on…now before someone jumps on the defense…I get it to a certain degree and again I totally believe people mean well. My story isn’t completely different from the woman that can’t have children (because someone else says it’s impossible) and I understand! It’s not easy…I’m just asking for a little grace be shown towards those that are patiently waiting their turn and the wait seems endless. What if this is a part of God’s will for my life? I trust His plan even when I don’t understand. I don’t have time to reason with what I feel is fair or not…my resolve is He is still sovereign and He chose me for this! 

I no longer walk around apologetic and embarrassed about not being a mother. Shame used to grip me like a vice grip because I’ve had to consider thoughts like “Am I barren? What man is going to want to marry me and I can’t give him a child? Am I tainted? No good? Used up?” Yes, all that! Will I be able to put money under the pillow for a lost tooth? Will I kiss boo-boos away because of scraped knees and elbows? Will I sit in the hot sun cheering at little league baseball or football games? Scream at graduations? Cry at their wedding? I don’t know! Wait! Before you go there…yes, I remember how old Abraham and Sarah were before they had their first child. I remember how hard Hannah prayed. Yes, James 4:2 says, “You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask.” Let me not forget, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31). 

This is the journey that’s before me and I’ve learned to have and to have not…


Magnetized? (Divorced, Dateless, and Over 40…The Series) 

Magnetized? *scratches head* Ok, let me explain. After settling back into life as a single woman (at the time) approaching forty I begin to look at things a little differently. Not only did I consider some things about myself but the type of men that were drawn or maybe I should say “magnetized” to me. I had to go all the way in and ask questions like, “Why am I so trusting?” “Do I come across as too passive or a ‘nice girl’?” You know what I mean my ‘nice girl’ right? No? Oh! Pleeeeeease allow me to enlighten you! See there’s a difference in being pleasant or cordial and nice. Some people may view nice as being gullible or they can get you to do almost anything because you won’t like saying, “no”. That ‘nice girl’ wants to feel accepted, needed, and wanted and the more you request of her the more valuable she feels not knowing that Joe Blow could care two rats and an artichoke (AHHH…but you thought it!) The ‘nice girl’ begins to feel appreciated all the while being depreciated but won’t know how much until there’s a fender bender of the heart. Was I THAT ‘nice girl’?
In many ways, yes! I was her but very much so blinded to that notion because I was distracted by the schedule of events that took place versus WHO was orchestrating these events. Now I could easily insert here, “oh that ole devil was busy! You know satan doesn’t like marriage!” Yeah, yeah let me spare you the things you ALREADY know! Yes, I went through those phrases of “I didn’t see it coming!” Girl, please have several seats! BULL-LONEY (bring it back in Ms. Gina ya cutting it too close). This wasn’t my first rodeo and I have enough familiar scars to know when I’m being cut in the same place…AGAIN! 
To magnetize, simply means to attract or have influence. Seems to be a good thing, right? Of course! Who doesn’t want that?! If you think back to physics, magnetics basically deals with energy, light, & transmission (just to put it in laymen terms without the explanation of science theories and stuff. I can’t swim so I’ll stay on the shallow end…but I digress). I begin on this quest of what in the world was going on inside of me that has this certain type of “energy” that was producing this magnetic force to attract these ____________________ men?!? (Line left blank on purpose because the line isn’t long enough!!) Ok, ok, ok…this is about ME! *literally exhaling* 

In this season of “Divorced, Dateless, and Over 40”, I’ve chosen to DE-magnetize some areas in my life because I’m able to take a moment and feel the energy from within. Basically, I’m allowing my discerning spirit to be a “meter”…when I see it moving in those yellow/red zones I’m chunking deuces! Now hold on…I’m not trying to weed out a person with no faults or the perfect guy because I’m not faultless and far from perfect. But I refuse to fall into what has always been. How do I know I won’t? I don’t know! I do NOT trust myself to do it on my own. The main attraction I need is for the Light of Christ to be so evident and so bright in my life that “those” that might try would flee like roaches when the light comes on! I’m finding it easier to shut off and walk away quickly and be at peace with the unknown of “what if this time I’m wrong?” Well…what if I’m right?

“What if”…is the hamster wheel of the mind!!

©2016


Rediscovering Myself…AGAIN: “Divorced, Dateless, and Over 40-The Series”

Wait! Wait! Waiiiiiit! Hold on! Did you think this blog series was only about being “Divorced, Dateless, and Over 40?” Oh…no…it’s not quite that simple but let’s continue on. So, I’m looking in the mirror one day and thought to myself, “You mean to tell me I’m back at square one…AGAIN! Who does that!?” *raises both hands and left foot* I thought I’d already had this life altering moment before and vowed I wouldn’t be back at that place again…or so I thought. When I realized my marriage was coming to a screeching halt, I had neither a safety net nor a plan of action in place (I mean, seriously! I’m married, why would I be considering an Underground Railroad escape?!) I stood there staring fear and faith right in the face! What am I going to do? When I say it was fast I mean faster than an egg hitting the floor, “SPLAT!” Everything was out of order. I literally lost everything and my mind wasn’t far behind. When I say everything…I mean everything and I wondered, “Where is God?” If it wasn’t for the morning text messages I received daily checking up on me I might have just dissolved into a mass of nothingness. Confidant: “How are we today?” Me: “Can I run away today?” Confidant: “I’m praying for you. Don’t you give up! Ruuuuuuun!” Me: “I can’t believe this is happening!” I mean day after day…after day and the day after that.

Then one day…this happened. I rested.

In reflection, I asked myself, “How do I get up and start again?” I had no idea what was waiting for me beyond the horizon. I had to sift through the murky waters of depression, oppression and repression of a sweltering failed marriage accompanied by darts of poisoned words and smoldering coils of anger coming at me like bees on a honeycomb. (Whoa!) When the enemy of your inner thoughts are entangled with retaliation of an angered spirit adorned in flesh you GOT to be (not must be but GOT to be) prepared for battle! I had to go back to basic boot camp and go back through the rules of engagement:

  • “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rules of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12 NKJV).
  • “Pray without ceasing” (1Thessalonians 5:17).
  • “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 (KJV).

Keep in mind praying, fasting, and reading the Bible were eons away from me! Can I just be honest with y’all? But even in the midst of all of that I had to be reminded that the best defense in spiritual warfare, which certainly can permeate and affect you physically if access is gained, is on your knees. As I remember, the old saints would say, “If there ain’t been any rain in your life, wait awhile!” See I don’t say all of this to be deep or super spiritual (Wait! What exactly is super spiritual?? Right! You don’t get it either, huh? Anyway, I digress!)

Rediscovering who I was and who I desired to be took me going back to the drawing board of who I am in Christ! I took a long hard look at the pattern that I had developed and decided I just can’t live like this. How is it that I was coming into agreement with the opposite of the life that Christ said He came for me to have…an abundant life! Let me pump some muscle into this word for you: liberal, generous, bountiful, prolific, overflowing, lavish…Who me…this clump of clay with all these cracks, puncture wounds, and unappealing shell? I was appalled that this was happening to me. (Ha! Girl you are not that special!) Oh, let me tell you that nasty little spirit of self-righteousness will have you thinking that your prayers are dripping with golden honey and you sit on the left hand of the Almighty God Himself! I began to go down my spiritual resume of all the things I felt I knew and that I did well but the other things were covered under, “God forgives my sins”…while He does do that He also loves me enough to bring correction and trust me you will discover a “heap” of things about yourself! I wanted to be angry and I wanted to be pissed off (wait…can I say “pissed off” or does that demote me from “super spiritual”? LOL! Okkkk…ok…) and I wanted to evoke anger and expose this emotional toothache because I figured since I had lost everything why the hell not! My humbled journey left me broke and broken…to the point of living out of my laundry baskets, an oversized duffle bag, and a comfortable couch for quite a long time! HOWEVER, when I tell you God provided a Ram in the bush! I might not have had what I was once used to but I have never, NEVER been without a good night’s sleep even if it was between tears! It was the best move of God that ever happened in my life to date!

So rediscovering me…AGAIN may not have come in the form of finding a new job, (which I did) stumbling upon the love of my life, (which I’m still hopeful for) or anything of the sort (I still believe GOD) but discovered and rediscovered that the beauty of growing does not exempt me from pain. If there isn’t pain then I need to check my growth meter. The decisions I made cost me a lot but nothing in comparison to what I could have lost and that was hope…

Stay tuned as I share the journey and why I’m…dateless. It might get a little bumpy!

ME2