Monthly Archives: May 2016

My Greatest History Lesson-Divorced, Dateless, and Over 40…The Series! My Greatest History Lesson #DD40

DD40-The Series: My Greatest History Lesson
So by now you know that I’m divorced, dateless, and over 40! That sounds pretty…grim, huh? Well, allow me to bring your mind at ease…I love the simplicity of my life. I have a family that adores me (I’d like to think I’m a little spoiled), the greatest of friends that any one person could have, a part of a loving and growing church family that assists in my spiritual nourishment and God is and has been good to me even when I’m not as faithful to Him. I really am undeserving of His grace and I don’t take that lightly. And the list goes on and on…and on. So, why am I single???

Hopefully, I’m able to explain and while this series is about me I’m sure there are others that can relate. If this is not you, then all being well, this will make for a good read! We’ve all heard from time-to-time, “Girl, don’t settle for less than God’s best!” Somewhere along the way I must’ve blunked because I totally missed the memo! (Don’t act like this has never happened to you.) I reached a place in my life where I felt like everyone around me was either in relationships, getting married, or having children and there I was bogged down in writing academic papers and online assignments. Then as life happened…I met someone. “It was all a dream. Last night I had a dream. Thoughts was racin’ through my head. It was all a dream. Felt so real to me. This is what was said…” (Dreams by Biggie Smalls) What’cha know about that Biggie? Ok, ok, ok…focus Gina!  So, I met someone and I thought “THIS IS IT!” I’m on a natural high…feeling wiggly and giggly, goose bumps, staying up late talking and getting up early talking, and sharing how great this is with my bestest of girlfriends (yeah, so…I felt like I was back in high school). Little did I know I was about to experience the ride of my life and I was buckled down like a crash car dummy. (See, it sounds better coming from me than you.)

So I’m putting in all this time trying to get to “know” this person and the sirens, bullhorns, flashing red lights, caution signs, the flip flopping of my stomach, and discerning spirit was showing and telling me otherwise. But what did I do??? Closed my eyes, turned a deaf ear, and told myself it was my nerves. Worst than that…I’d convinced myself that God positioned me in this place. (Oh! He positioned me alright!) I considered everyone and everything else but myself, so it seemed. “What would my friends think? They’re so happy for me!” “What IF I’m wrong?” (Never considered, GIRL WHAT IF YOU’RE RIGHT!?!) See, there was a pattern I was starting to recognize and it was staring me right in my face. The pattern was: ME! Why in the hell was I allowing these things to keep happening? I wasn’t in it for sex and there was a sense of pride I had for upholding my celibacy. It wasn’t for money. (Don’t get me wrong…the extra support is welcomed! Say what’cha want! But I digress..)! I just figured that it was now my turn. I’ve heard many times “Be careful what you pray for.” (Ummmm, I’m thinking be more SPECIFIC of what you pray for!!) But that’s neither here nor there. God isn’t some mystical genie where you rub a few eloquent words or speech and recite scriptures to Him in hopes He would deliver. Oh yeah! I’ve been there “Lord, you said you would give me the desires of my heart.” Well, you better think about it because what’s on the surface of what you think you want is not in comparison to what’s deep down in your heart. I chuckle as I reminisce on the things I was so sure I heard God say. You know, kinda like during those times when God was actually silent! (Aha!)

I will spare you all the juicy, eye-bulging, gasping details of my catastrophic journey but I will share my greatest lessons learned: As the late, great Dr. Maya Angelou once said, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them.” It’s ok to take your time and allow things to settle. My dear friend and mentor, Tekoa Pouerie once told me, “You need to see a person in all seasons.” That statement has never been more truer! Don’t just pray to God but also wait to hear from Him. What do you have to lose?! Ladies, what you allow you also come into agreement with it. If he’s in a tight position or times are hard, don’t try to be his “saving grace”! Sit back and observe how he handle things and more importantly how he RESPONDS to those things when it happens! A man that doesn’t work is not your place to feed. (Use that however you see fit!) Observe how he treats his parents…there’s your peep into your future. Disobedience is like maxing out your credit card acting like its free money: Not having the money to pay it off will lead to bad credit, late fees, and high interest rates. You will pay MORE…LATER!

Stay tuned…Divorced, Dateless, & Over 40…The Series! There’s more!


 

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Divorced, Dateless, and Over 40…The Series!

Waaait! Before all the happily 40+ and dating population start chiming in about how great their dating life is…this blog isn’t for YOU! Enjoy yourself and guard your heart. Actually, I’m going to turn in and be a little transparent and share my story. Wheeew! Hopefully, I dodged a bullet there! 🙂

I am single (as in un-married…or rather, no longer married) twice removed. Yep, you read it right! Not a big part of my life that I openly and readily discuss because people usually respond by saying, “I didn’t know that!” and let’s not forget the “ghost whispers” some may call them gossipers. *sips tea* But I digress, that story is for another day! After that short-lived, regrettable season of my life I learned a lot about myself and I GREW UP in many ways as a young woman (after all, 40 is the new 25, right)? Now I say regrettable only because of what I had to endure during the process not the process in its entirety because I wouldn’t be the person I am today had it not been for that experience. Later, I tried dating someone for a while but there was a major roadblock that prevented it from going further and I’m right back where I started…trying to figure out “how” to get back in the dating scene. I mean, let me keep it all the way real…I lovvvvve my girlfriends/besties/sisters and they have held me up during the toughest of times and still do…HOWEVER; there are times I want to go out on a date with a gentlemen! (Shocking?!?!) Yes, I would like to sit across from dinner (with my dainty self) and laugh at his corny jokes as we ask one another those weird questions, like…”what do you like to do?” *side-eye*

I’ve been asked often, “Why aren’t you dating?” Well, my answer is pretty short and sweet…”I don’t know!” Am I too picky? Nooooo, of course not (insert smirk) but I am SELECTIVE! Look, I often glance back over my dating/relationship portfolio as a reminder of what NOT to do again! Now I know some may say, “Ms. Gina, you gotta give people a chance. Everyone’s not the same.” Yeah…yeah I know. I’m not reflecting back because of someone else but because of “ME”! I, first and foremost, MUST know what it is I want. I’m not talking about superficial stuff. I need to BE the person I want to meet, date, marry, & start a family with too! For the deep thinkers, I don’t mean literally in every sense of the word but those that understand me…*fist bump*! I’ve understood in more ways than some that what you speak out of your mouth you literally give life to…for instance, when I hear a woman say, “Ain’t no good men out there…they’re all taken.” Well, prepare yourself to get what’s left out there if all of the good ones are taken. Does that even make sense? Three things you ever won’t hear me say: 1) “All men are dogs!” 2) “All men are no good!” 3) “I can’t meet a decent guy to save my life!” I just can’t bring myself to believe such nonsense. What would be the point?! Seriously, I can’t base my past life choices on the entire population of men just like I would NOT want men to think certain things about women (especially black women)! Although I know both sides do anyway…there is still a population of us that’s holding it down! *fist bump*

OK, let me get back on track here…because I’m divorced, dateless, and over 40 does not mean my life is at a standstill. It doesn’t mean I’m unproductive, not praying, have stopped believing God for this part of my life to be fulfilled AND I totally enjoy my freedom and liberation as it stands as a single woman. Probably lately now more than prior years, I do think about how it would be starting a family at this stage in my life (I mean like actually getting married again and having a baby…LIFE)! While most people in my span of years are going to their children’s high school graduations, sending them off to college or attending college graduations, becoming grandparents, helping their child(ren) prepare to move into their first place and even some heading towards marriage. *Insert pause* Please…I know what you might be thinking. “God gave Abraham and Sarah a baby at their old age!” STOP! Com’on, can we keep the main thing the main thing…of course, my saying this has notttthing to do with God’s infinite capabilities. He’s sovereign! I’m not wavering in my faith but what I am doing is releasing my truth of “Divorce and Dateless after 40…” Some may look at this as a negative but the truth is this is a good thing because while I’ve embraced my singleness. I’m able to share some of my journey with other women that have gone through, going through, and/or will experience to some degree what I’ve already encountered and it affords me the opportunity to minister and coach them through to a place of healing and restoration that only GOD can do once they’re in a willing place to receive it. Always pointing in the direction of betterment not bitterment (yes, I made that word up and it makes sense).

Now this is just the prelude to the series and I have no idea what’s gonna come up next. You’ll just have to follow-up with the next one…but I’m sure it’s going to be interesting. It’s a tell-all…well maybe not all. *snickers* I candidly use slight humor in my stories to help me tap into that memory without revisiting the emotions that kept me bound for so long. Although I remember I’m now in a place of perpetual healing that reminds me that God is still with me!

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