I had a sparkle in my eye for you from the moment I appeared but the light grew dark because you weren’t there to catch it from the start. I couldn’t feel you lift me above your head and swing me around so I can feel like I was on top of the world not on the ground. When I started walking and I didn’t have you to hold on to, when I lost my footing you wasn’t there to kiss away the boo boo. Every time I saw the door open I would be hoping it was you so I could run and wrap my arms around your waist but instead it was of another that didn’t look like you, smell like you, or sound like you. He was unfamiliar to me. Every time the phone would ring and I would wait with expectancy, “Princess, telephone!” but instead it was the sound of bad news that bills were long overdue; where were you?
I looked outside to see my friends playing and riding their bicycles but because you never taught me how ride I walked alone as they rode by. You said you would come by to see me and promise after promise I still believed in you. At night I would be awakened with the sound of loud voices coming from down the hall, glass breaking, thumping, and pounding against the wall…or so I thought until I realized the strange person was my mom that I didn’t recognize because of the tattoo around her eyes. The unfamiliar person called her by names that were unbeknownst to me, what a shame! The eyes that look back at me made me take off and hide but where shall I run when there is no place safe to abide?
The years have passed by and there are unidentifiable voids in my life that has me on this quest to fill and the more I pour the more empty I feel. I avoid all reflective windows and mirrors because I don’t recognize the person looking back at me because all I see are the inner marks, bruises, and tears. What is beautiful – is unknown to me because you weren’t there to qualify me. I used my assets and precious jewels to open up doors for me when no one else would. I didn’t know the cost of love would cost me so much because you weren’t there to set the standard for the right one to touch…not with his hands but with a heart of prayer that avails much. I didn’t know just how much I was worth because I was cheapened with plastic roses, ill-rotten words camouflaged and followed by a calloused touch. You didn’t teach me what to expect so I modeled after what I could catch…on the television, radio, or by word of mouth until all of me was all washed out. Because you weren’t there to teach and guide me through…stay tuned as I come back with part two!